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Musings, Top 5s

5 Reasons I loathe football (soccer)

Living in England, most people look at you like some kind of horrific leper when you say you don’t like football. I know this first hand. I don’t like football. In fact, I loathe it. It’s not like other sports that I just don’t have an interest in. I actually cannot stand football (soccer to some of you). So here are my 5 reasons why.

5. The game itself.

It amazes me that such a game is the most popular sport in the world. I just don’t get it.

Although marginally more entertaining to play, football is, for the most part, a sinfully boring game to watch. I mean, really. Here is a game where there is a high probability that not a single point will be scored in an hour and a god damn half! Wow, carefull you don’t piss yourself with excitement!

You might be thinking “Oh you’re just not into sports.” Not true. There are some sports I love to watch. Just not this one.

I can only think of one more sport that I find as boring and that’s cricket but that is cricket’s only fault really… that and an unfathomable scoring system. Football has the next four points (and then some) against it.

4. The players.

What a bunch of girly-boy douchebags, really! I cannot think of a single other sport where the players are such drama queens. “Oh, what’s that? The nasty man pulled on your shirt? Oh, my apologies. It’s quite understandable that you’d throw yourself down on the ground and hold your face, in apparent agony. Please, continue. You don’t look like a twat at all.”

I’m not saying bad injuries that require such a reaction don’t happen in the game. Some of the tackles are pretty harsh but seriously what are these guys, six? Strap on a pair, I know it’s a non-contact sport but do you see basketball players crying like spoiled babies in an effort to get an opposing player in trouble?

3. We, us, you.

I don’t think this one will take much explanation. I’ll let David Mitchell and Robert Webb explain.

I think that says it all.

2. Footbal manager games.

I remember when I was at college and the latest iteration of Championship Manager was released on the PlayStation. A few of the lads on my course wouldn’t shut up about it so I had a look at what it was all about. /facepalm.

You know how I said before that the game of football was sinfully boring? Well these manager games are that kind of boring on steroids! I believe my reaction was something like “I can’t see how playing on Microsoft Excel, recreationally, would be any less enjoyable than playing Championship Manager. It’s a game based on spreadsheets!”

1. (By a long, long way) Hooligans.

I don’t like using the C word. But I’ll happily use it to describe these people. The odd thing about this is that it seems almost totally unique to football. Of course there are a few bad apples in the fan-bases of other sports that will start fights at a game but it’s nothing compared to the legion of arse holes that comprise football “Firms”. These people actually organise violence with rival groups using mobile phones and the Internet. How fucked up is that!? “Excuse me, good sir. Would you and your associates like to meet us outside The Rose and Crown at 3:30 so we may punch/kick/chair/glass/knife/ashtray the living shit out of one another? Spot on! See you then.”

Sometimes it can get so bad that games have to be called off. The other week, a man watching a match with his son (Not a part of any hooligan firm) was stabbed in the chest. That was not an isolated incident.

I think my main beef with this lot, though comes from many experiences of being stuck on a train full of them. I remember going up to Leeds one weekend and I don’t think I’d have seen more Stone Island clothing at the brand’s flagship store. It was wall-to-wall bell-ends and like 5 transport police to herd them all. They aren’t young yobbos either. They’re men in their 30s and 40s with good jobs… And a dangerous testosterone imbalance apparently. Maybe roid rage. =/

There you have it. Quick and not-so-serious one for today. What do you think?


  1. Rick Nunn - September 3, 2009 5:08 pm

    I can’t even begin to convey how much I agree with this post. I.Just.Don’t.Get.It!

  2. Jack F - September 3, 2009 5:14 pm

    Ok…this is someone who loves football.

    I’m with you on the hooligans, easily.

    But the “points” system, you don’t score points, you score goals ! 🙂
    It’s popular because it’s simple, 1+1 is pretty easy to add up, it’s easy to play (a ball, some friends, some jumpers, a field) and it’s great fun to play!

    The players are complete arseholes…well 90% of them. Some players are ok.

  3. Dan Schonhaar - September 3, 2009 5:17 pm

    Of course! It’s “goals”. How silly of me.

    I’ll start writing up my retraction now. 😛

  4. Jason - September 3, 2009 5:35 pm

    I love football but you raise some good points.

    Too many players are pansies.. falling over like they have just been shot… they are paid to much and do little work for the money. If I was paid 20k a week to play football I would bust a lung week in and week out. Most football players go into the dressing room after the game looking like they have just had a little jog. I would need help getting off the pitch as I would have worked so hard.

    Players aside you have the game itself. It is either amazing entertaining. e.g. FA Cup where most games are end to end stuff. Or you have a really dull game where there are 5 shots at either end and a 0-0 draw.

    Most of these dull games are either the managers or players fault. If a manager is going to put 10 men behind the ball from the first minute… it will be crap. You then have players who often play ‘anti-football’ where they foul a player just to take away a teams advantage. Both of these practices should be taken out.

    You then have fans who put up with this crap. Manchester United took what? 50 minutes to muster a shot at goal at the weekend. If I was at that game I would of been booing them and shouting the team into action. Instead people actually pay £50+ to patiently watch their team do nothing for half a game. I don’t get it. Fans should have paintball guns and at the end of each game be given a chance to shoot players and managers who under perform. They wouldn’t under perform twice, 20 thousand body shots would put an end to that.

    Finally you have referee’s. Recently, in the 2nd tier of English football, a player scored and none of the officials saw it. 22 players sore it, everyone on the bench saw it. 20 thousand fans saw it. The officials didn’t. NO GOAL… wtf? Fifa’s refusal to bring in video replays really ruins the game.

    So yeah, if you take away the pansies, managers who put 10 men behind the ball and have officials who would allow the best team to win it would be a better game.

  5. Dan Schonhaar - September 3, 2009 5:50 pm

    “10 men behind the ball” I have no idea what that means.

    I am pretty sure, though, that your complaints are more than valid for someone who actually likes the game. I very much like your paintball gun idea. If they brought that in I might start watching, but it still wouldn’t be for the football.

  6. Kym - September 3, 2009 8:12 pm


    totally agree with all of this!

    I hate it when people try to talk to me about football, even after I express my strong dislike for it. I just don’t get it either!

  7. ste - September 3, 2009 8:49 pm

    Ah Football, The beautiful game (supposedly)

    I’d rather listen to paint dry.

  8. Magua - September 4, 2009 5:33 pm

    My rant: Loyalty
    One aspect of all physically enduring sports or recreational activities is, well exactly that, it’s physical. It takes practice to be good, and it takes effort to be better than good. Yet it apparently also takes £150,000 per week plus appearance bonus’, goal bonus’, assisting-in-a-goal bonus’ and all the rest i missed to make people play it. There is almost no loyalty in players anymore. The great “peoples game” is over charged and like point 3 made, it’s not even played by local/national players. Southerners moving north, Northerners heading south, skipping from one country to another in the name of ‘loyalty’ to the team they are at until someone offers them more money.

    It has taken Leeds United’s demise to League 1 [3rd tier of the English game’s leagues] to actually start noticing that players are still loyal at all.
    For those not familiar Beckford is a striker(One meant to score) whom has been offered big contracts by other clubs to just up and move out the area he grew up in to play for a club that he does not know, nor probably cares about. He has stayed where he is, and has rejected every offer made to him because it’s a passion for him, and a joy to play and entertain with his skills, at Leeds. That is loyalty.

    Now i take you to someone everyone probably recognises; David Beckham.
    What a cock. Never in my life have i seen so much time and effort put into one of the most disloyal people ever to live in my time. His gratitude towards his clubs/managers/fans is totally dominated by money. He has moved clubs again and again each time the other one offers a little more than the last.
    So in short, the higher up the ladder the more money talks and everyone worships.
    Noone moves to the US to play in their 5th most popular sport, unless you’re David and you get offered £250,000,000 to do it!

    The whole “I don’t get it” arguement doesn’t go down well for me as a reason for disliking it either. It’s a sport, it has general rules about scoring, and points are awarded in a table depending on result. In basic, it’s men kicking a ball around with 10 others on their team, but the whole aspect of the enjoyment derives from the competative attitudes of the players.
    Like anything else, one has to win, one lose, and occasionally both tie but they both want to win. Yet that same aspect is in a game of chess, or scrabble, and even Cricket as mentioned. So what makes football something you “don’t get”, because as far as i can see, it’s just like every other competative instance throughout life such as a job interview. Do you not “get” life either or is it simply this one method of portraying the competative streak in people you dislike so much?

  9. Dan Schonhaar - September 4, 2009 5:52 pm

    I get the game. I understand the rules.

    What I, personally, can’t get my head around is the fact that it is the most popular sport in the world, despite all it’s gigantic gaping flaws.

    This is my personal opinion on it.

    And No. I don’t get life. I defy anyone who says they do.

  10. Magua - September 4, 2009 6:11 pm

    Something has to be top of the list, may as well be one of the older sports i guess. Too many of the have flaws! On an off topic, anyone been following the crappy Rugby rulings recently?

  11. rich97 - September 7, 2009 11:57 am

    I love your write-ups. I find it hard sum up why I hate football. But I think you with the help of Mitchel and Webb (Best.Comedians.Ever.) have hit the nail flush on the head.

    And yeah, there seems to be a massive following of idiots to football, skin heads who never shut the fuck up about who scored what in last weeks match and how they smashed in some guy down the pub for wearing the wrong colored shirt. I swear some of these people have the IQ of a lamp post.

  12. Sam Hardacre - June 22, 2010 8:36 am

    One of the things that pisses me off most about football is when someone finds out you don’t like or follow the game, they look at you as if you just pissed through their letterbox.

    Another is a more timely annoyance, when an international tournament is taking place, everyone suddenly turns into a patriotic football fan. I’ve nothing against being proud of where you come from, it’s just in my experience, these football patriots also seem to fit in to section 1 of your post.

    Actually, my first point can also be mixed with my second. When I say to people I couldn’t care less if England get knocked out of the cup I get the same reaction (point 1) generally from “The Patriots” (point 2).

  13. Adam - June 22, 2010 9:12 am

    I agree with 99% with this post but can’t think straight to post a real comment response, since watching that video, I have been left clutching my lower leg – ouch :P.

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