Living in England, most people look at you like some kind of horrific leper when you say you don’t like football. I know this first hand. I don’t like football. In fact, I loathe it. It’s not like other sports that I just don’t have an interest in. I actually cannot stand football (soccer to some of you). So here are my 5 reasons why.
5. The game itself.
It amazes me that such a game is the most popular sport in the world. I just don’t get it.
Although marginally more entertaining to play, football is, for the most part, a sinfully boring game to watch. I mean, really. Here is a game where there is a high probability that not a single point will be scored in an hour and a god damn half! Wow, carefull you don’t piss yourself with excitement!
You might be thinking “Oh you’re just not into sports.” Not true. There are some sports I love to watch. Just not this one.
I can only think of one more sport that I find as boring and that’s cricket but that is cricket’s only fault really… that and an unfathomable scoring system. Football has the next four points (and then some) against it.
4. The players.
What a bunch of girly-boy douchebags, really! I cannot think of a single other sport where the players are such drama queens. “Oh, what’s that? The nasty man pulled on your shirt? Oh, my apologies. It’s quite understandable that you’d throw yourself down on the ground and hold your face, in apparent agony. Please, continue. You don’t look like a twat at all.”
I’m not saying bad injuries that require such a reaction don’t happen in the game. Some of the tackles are pretty harsh but seriously what are these guys, six? Strap on a pair, I know it’s a non-contact sport but do you see basketball players crying like spoiled babies in an effort to get an opposing player in trouble?
3. We, us, you.
I don’t think this one will take much explanation. I’ll let David Mitchell and Robert Webb explain.
I think that says it all.
2. Footbal manager games.
I remember when I was at college and the latest iteration of Championship Manager was released on the PlayStation. A few of the lads on my course wouldn’t shut up about it so I had a look at what it was all about. /facepalm.
You know how I said before that the game of football was sinfully boring? Well these manager games are that kind of boring on steroids! I believe my reaction was something like “I can’t see how playing on Microsoft Excel, recreationally, would be any less enjoyable than playing Championship Manager. It’s a game based on spreadsheets!”
1. (By a long, long way) Hooligans.
I don’t like using the C word. But I’ll happily use it to describe these people. The odd thing about this is that it seems almost totally unique to football. Of course there are a few bad apples in the fan-bases of other sports that will start fights at a game but it’s nothing compared to the legion of arse holes that comprise football “Firms”. These people actually organise violence with rival groups using mobile phones and the Internet. How fucked up is that!? “Excuse me, good sir. Would you and your associates like to meet us outside The Rose and Crown at 3:30 so we may punch/kick/chair/glass/knife/ashtray the living shit out of one another? Spot on! See you then.”
Sometimes it can get so bad that games have to be called off. The other week, a man watching a match with his son (Not a part of any hooligan firm) was stabbed in the chest. That was not an isolated incident.
I think my main beef with this lot, though comes from many experiences of being stuck on a train full of them. I remember going up to Leeds one weekend and I don’t think I’d have seen more Stone Island clothing at the brand’s flagship store. It was wall-to-wall bell-ends and like 5 transport police to herd them all. They aren’t young yobbos either. They’re men in their 30s and 40s with good jobs… And a dangerous testosterone imbalance apparently. Maybe roid rage. =/
There you have it. Quick and not-so-serious one for today. What do you think?