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Movies, Reviews

Review: Legion (tbc)

Directed by: Scott Stewart
Starring: Paul Bettany, Dennis Quaid, Lucas Black

Tired of mankind’s wicked ways, God has had enough. He instructs his general; The Archangel Michael (Bettany), to lead his army to earth to exterminate the human race for good. Convinced that there is still hope for man, Michael gives God the finger, heads down to Earth and cuts off his wings, transubstantiating into complete human form and heads to a diner in the middle of nowhere. There he meets up with a motley crew of misfits including a woman pregnant with man’s only saviour. It is here the final battle for mankind’s survival will unfold. Oh yeah, did I mention that Michael has a fuck load of guns? Probably should have.

Tunz o gunz

Got all that? Good. Legion had some decent potential. Constantine mixed with Assault on Precinct 13 mixed with The Prophecy… with MOAR GUNZ!? Hell yeah it sounds like something I could get on board with. The reality, however wasn’t so great. In fact, it was downright disappointing. Not the plot or premise so much but the execution.

First of all, the dialogue was apparently written by a 5 year old. Subtle and nuanced is most certainly was not. Plus, I got the distinct impression that at certain (seemingly random) points during a scene that someone behind the camera gave the actors a signal to throw in an arbitrary F-Bomb. That’s how asinine it was. The only saving grace here was Charles S. Dutton gave the best dialogue of the whole movie and a pretty decent gag related to his character’s prosthetic hand.

Next big problem was how dark the bloody thing was. I appreciate that it probably didn’t have a monumental budget but come on, guy! Shrouding everything in total darkness might cover your bargain basement CGI but it’s fucking annoying. Did AVP2 not teach us anything!? Had it not been for this, the movie might have just been passable as a semi-decent Saturday afternoon actionfest… but no, the bastards ruined that too!

The final nail in the coffin for this debacle is the fact that it used every cliche in the book! Not just the action and scenes, things like 9mm MP5s that can not only shred cars from 500m away but also never run out of bullets, but even the camera work! It seemed like every other shot was a panning close-up of a person or object with a horribly executed shallow depth of field that looked like a faux tilt-shift photoshop effect.

“At least we get to see a kick ass fight between some hard-core angels and shit right?” No. You see 2 minutes of hopelessly dark blurry CGI followed by some bullshit cop-out of an ending that will leave you going “What… but what about the… WHAT!??! Oh fuck you, movie!”

So yeah, Not so much.

Verdict: 1/5

3 comments

  1. kym - March 1, 2010 6:38 pm

    Best. Review. Ever. Had me laughing out loud the whole read.

    I cannot for the life of me put up with Lucas Black, I’m not sure if I would have been less cynical had I not seen Tokyo Drift, but he immediately ruined the whole film for me… which is just as well, because the film was shit.

    As you point out, sounded like it could have had potential, but they managed to ruin any hope of potential in every way possible.

    That said, my favourite part was the evil granny telling that couple their baby is “gunna fucking burn!” and then crawling on the ceiling. Hilarious!

  2. Dan Schonhaar - March 1, 2010 8:00 pm

    Then I succeeded; I created something in 15 minutes that was more entertaining than something a whole bunch of normally good actors and many million dollars could create in months. Win.

  3. kym - March 2, 2010 12:40 am

    I’d agree with that statement entirely.

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