5. Three Kings (1999)

Not technically a war movie, as it takes place after the “war”, Three Kings follows a group of soldiers stationed in Iraq immediately following the end of operation desert storm. After finding a treasure map tucked away in a P.O.W’s arse crack, the soldiers set out on an unsanctioned mission to retrieve the loot. They soon find that, despite the American involvement being officially over, the atrocities have not yet ended.

What makes Three Kings such a good movie in my opinion is it’s originality. It’s got all the stuff you’d expect from a good war movie but with an added sub plot that makes it really interesting. It’s a good job the story and direction stands up, as well, because it stars two of the worst actors in Hollywood; Mark Wahlberg and Ice Cube. Without them, this movie might have ranked even higher in my list. But never mind, Three Kings is still a really entertaining bit of cinema that shouldn’t be overlooked.

4. We Were Soldiers (2002)

The first of three movies in this list set during the Vietnam War (Funny that America produces so many moves about a war where they got their asses handed to them), We Were Soldiers depicts true events of one of the first major battles in the American involvement in Vietnam. It depicts events on both sides as well as continually looking back over at the military base back in the states where the soldiers’ wives anxiously wait for news about the fate of their husbands.

I think the thing that makes this movie is the level of character development we see. Various characters are not only developed during the firefight but the detailed depiction of their life at home with wives and children really fleshes out the characters to a degree not seen in most war movies. The film is finished to a really high standard and some of the gore effects are almost too horrific to watch. If you’ve written this movie off because of poor marketing or questionable choice of stars (Mel Gibson), I urge you to re-visit it and look past those shortcomings. It’s a really good movie underneath.

3. Apocalypse Now (1979)

Many peoples’ choice for the best war movie of all time, and for good reason, is Francis Ford Coppola’s epic Apocalypse Now. The story follows a lone soldier (Martin Sheen) on a top, top secret mission to assassinate a rogue colonel, played by Marlon Brando, who has holed up with his regiment of defecting troops and a local tribe in the jungle of Cambodia. The movie mainly concerns itself with the journey more than the destination but that’s not to say the climax is anything short of one of the greatest and most important pieces of cinema ever made.

Although I enjoyed this movie a crazy amount, it only makes it to my number three slot for one main reason. It is very inaccessible and a lot of hard work, particularly the longer Redux version. You have to be in a very specific frame of mind to watch it to its full effect. If you watch it, particularly for the first time while tired or after you’ve had a drink you’ll not only miss all the subtle nuances that make the movie great but you’ll probably be confused as hell. Don’t let this stop you, though. Apocalypse Now remains, and will always remain, not only one of the best war movies ever made but one of the best movies, full stop.

2. Full Metal Jacket (1987)

You knew it was coming, right? What I believe to be the best Vietnam war movie ever made is Stanley Kubrick’s Full Metal Jacket. The mixture of action, the horror of war and lashings of jet-black satirical humour make this movie one-of-a-kind! The movie is split right down the middle. The first half sees the soldiers before seeing any action, in the boot camp. It’s this first half that has provided cinema with the most archetypal portrayal of a drill sergeant ever; Gunnery Sgt. Hartman played by R. Lee Ermey. The second half sees the soldiers after they’ve experienced war and depicts just how much it has changed them as people. This profound message, combined with Kubrick’s magic makes the movie impossible to look away from.

I could honestly watch this movie over and over and over again and never get bored of it. Every time I see it I pick up on another little something I missed before. It takes character development to a whole other level and wraps it up in a bloody, violent and darkly funny bow. This movie should not be missed, by anyone, ever.

1. Black Hawk Down (2001)

My pick for the number 1 best war movie goes to Ridley Scott’s Black Hawk Down. The movie depicts the true events that took place in Mogadishu, Somalia in 1993 involving US Army Rangers and Special Forces (Delta) troops. A mission to capture and remove a powerful Somalian war lord that should have taken 20 minutes turned into one of the most bloody and costly military blunders in US history when one of the Black Hawk helicopters that dropped troops onto the ground was shot down. The ensuing rescue mission led to not only multiple soldiers being killed but another Black Hawk being downed. The stranded soldiers had to hold their ground for hours before another rescue attempt was made.

This movie gets my number 1 spot for one reason. Realism. BHD captures the true events in a way that is reported to have had a profound effect on real life soldiers and survivors of the incident who watched it.. Real names are used, authentic uniforms, maps and tactics were all utilised to re-create the battle perfectly down to the last detail. There has simply never been a more realistic war movie before or since. BHD is a triumph in every respect.

So there they are. My five favourite war movies. What do you think to this list? Any in there that you wouldn’t have included? Any that you think I’ve missed? That’s what the comments are for, kids! Ta ta for now.

EDIT: There is one notable condition that has come to my attention. I have yet to see The Hurt Locker, a movie that Empire gave five stars. If, when I see it, I change my mind, I will edit this list.

5. The Thing (1982)

Although it’s a remake (just) of a 1951 film, John Carpenter’s The Thing is the one that people all remember. Arguably one of Carpenter’s last good movies, The Thing starred Kurt Russell as R.J. “Mac” MacReady, an on-site helicopter pilot for a group of scientists studying ice core samples in the arctic. When a mysterious, shape-shifting alien finds its way to the research base the team is gripped with fear and paranoia over who of them, if any, are still human.

The great thing about this movie is that it couldn’t rely too heavily on its special effects. They just weren’t all that good. I mean some were okay and the rest were… well… bloody, but it was the tension and the who-can-you-trust suspense that really drove it along.

It’s classic Carpenter from start to finish. The over-the-top synth music, the over-the-top gore effects and distinctive camera work somehow make The Thing stand out from the crowd while at the same time endure as a textbook example of 80’s pre-CGI movie making.

4. E.T. (1982)

Ironic that the year that gave us the stomach churning, terrifying and blood-splattered The Thing is the same year that gave us one of the greatest, if not the greatest family movies ever made; E.T. The Extra Terrestrial.

Everyone knows this movie so I won’t go into what it’s about but I will tell you why I loved it. E.T. pretty much had the whole package, as far as family films go. We got the lovable main characters, the menacing yet family friendly bad guy in the form of Keys and we got a great emotional yet totally satisfying ending. All of that great stuff was interlaced with fast-paced, engaging set pieces and ground-breaking special effects in a way only Spielberg could pull off.

I watch E.T. a couple of times a year just because it’s such a feel-good movie. It reminds me of my childhood and I can almost smell the popcorn from the little one-screen cinema in Forest whenever the flying bikes scene plays. I don’t think any one one movie reminds me why I love cinema more than E.T.

3. District 9 (2009)

As if we hit 88 miles an hour in a nuclear De Lorean, we snap forward 27 years. In recent years I’d become a bit bored with the quality of alien movies, and indeed sci-fi as a whole. We’d had the occasional spike in interestingness (yes, that’s a word… shut up!) such as Cloverfield but on the whole, things were a bit… Meh. That was until this year, in fact this month when I was blown out of my seat by South African n00b, Niell Blomkamp’s District 9. See my Review.

District 9 follows an alternate 2009 where aliens came to earth in 1982 (what is it about that year!?) and were corralled into slums while the humans could harvest their weapons and technology. 27 years later, however, they’re still here and uber-corp MNU are directing the re-location program. It’s during this eviction that MNU agent Wikus Van De Merwe is infected with a black alien fluid that begins to turn him into one of the aliens.

District 9 clearly draws on so many other movies for its plot and aesthetic but still manages to seem totally original. It’s thought provoking, action-packed and the visual effects are second to none. When it’s released, District 9 should take pride of place in your DVD/BluRay collection.

2. Dark City (1998)

If there’s any on my list you won’t be familiar with, it’s this one. But you should be for two reasons. First of all it’s a superb bit of sci-fi with great performances from Rufus Sewell, William Hurt and Richard O’Brian and secondly… well without this movie I doubt The Matrix would have been made. Yeah, it’s that big a deal.

Dark City sticks murder mystery, Bogart era detective drama, film noir, sci-fi, horror and general mind-fuckery in a blender and manages to produce one of the finest film smoothies of the 90’s. The story is hard to fully explain but revolves around a man who, after waking up in a hotel room following a murder for which he is being framed, begins to discover that he has powerful psychic and telekinetic abilities that in turn being to make him aware that he, and indeed the whole city is being manipulated by a powerful malevolant force. See, pretty interesting.

I love this movie because of its complex and dark narrative and overall creepyness. That’s without mentioning its killer twist ending that’ll have you, slack jawed and going W…T…F… The bad guys are scary as fuck and you’ll start seeing the movie’s influence on later cinema almost right away. Hard to believe that this was directed by the same guy who gave us the utterly ridiculous Knowing.

1. Aliens (1986)

In my opinion this is James Cameron’s best film. Sequel to Riley Scott’s space-horror Alien, Aliens is a no-holds-barred all guns blazing flaming ball of awesome. I honestly couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve seen it but I’d put a bet on it being in the hundreds.

Like E.T. this movie doesn’t need explaining. If you like this kind of movie you already know what it is and if you don’t… well what the hell are you reading this for!? Aliens is so awesome because the story is great, the characters that need fleshing out are fleshed out and the special effects are so monumentally good that the fact that no CGI was used at all just blows your mind. Sure it’s long but boy is it worth it. So many classic scenes “Game over, man!! It’s Game over!!!” and suspense you could cut with a knife.

As well as being my favourite alien movie, Aliens serves as my favourite sci-fi and favourite sequel of all time. Watch it… watch it now, I command you!

Aliens. The best alien movie ever. Enough said.

So… what are yours?

5. NES with Super Mario Brothers 3

This is the single greatest console-game combination in the history of video games. The simple controls make it easy for anyone to pick up and raccoon-tail their stress away. The sound effects, graphics and game play make it pretty much perfect. To this day I think SMB3 is the best iteration of everyone’s favourite Italian American stereotype.

For me, SMB3 takes away stress and worries because it takes me back to my youth. Growing up in Canada I had a NES and would spend hours playing SMB 1, 2 and 3. But 3 was always my favourite. I never owned it though. We had a VHS and game rental place around the corner from us and whenever I had a Saturday with nothing to do I’d rent SMB3. This was when NES cartridges were ferociously expensive so 20 rentals still wouldn’t be as much as buying the game.

4. Breast Implant

Yeah, you read that right. Years ago a friend of mine worked at a place that handled medical supplies. This included cosmetic surgery implants. Every so often they’d find a package that was damaged and/or torn, rendering the product inside useless in the medical field. One of these found it’s way to me. Let me tell you, there are few things better at relieving stress than rolling a silicone breast implant around in your hand. Seriously it’s better than any stress ball.

These days the boob, looking a little worse for wear resides on my desk at work. If I have a particularly rough day or a support client that just doesn’t get it I find myself picking old faithful and everything just seems more pleasant. Funny that way.

3. X-Zylo

Not many people have heard about these things. I’ve had two up to now and I’m totally hooked. The X-Zylo is a Frisbee for the new age. It’s basically a flying gyroscope that you can throw immense distances (if you get the technique right) with not much physical effort. Check out the uber-cheesy video:

See, pretty cool right? If you’re having a stressful week, take a few hours outside in a nice open space and have yourself a little distance trial. You can play catch too but be careful; because of how it flies it is very hard to see if it’s coming straight at you. Also, it flies fast so it can hurt if you catch it wrong. Catching a flying X-Zylo in the forehead will induce more stress than it relieves.

2. Powerball

This is a pretty new one. I only got one on my birthday last month but it’s one hell of a stress reliever. The second application of a gyroscope in this list, the Powerball by NSD is more of an exercise and physical therapy device designed to strengthen the arms. You get the internal ball spinning and use a fluid motion in the wrist to make it spin faster. Anything over 10,000 rpm gets tough. My record is about 11,500 but the world record is something silly like 16,000.

What’s great about the power ball is that you can really go for it and if something really pisses you off you can have an all out record attempt on Powerball and it’s just as satisfying as yelling really loud or hitting something.

1. Skateboard

I was a late-comer to skateboarding and I’ve never been any good at it really but boy do I find it therapeutic. Not only does it give you a great workout, there’s nothing quite like the feeling of freedom you get from coasting around effortlessly on a thin plank of wood. I can forget about everything else and just focus on my feet and the board.

As well as de-stressing, skateboarding can give you a fantastic sense of achievement when you nail a new trick. The real pitty is that I’ve not skated in months. This is something I really want to change before we are landed with shite weather once again. Recently @minutedesigns had me watching videos of the great Rodney Mullen and it got me well and truly fired up. It was like drooling with anticipation at seeing a picture of a juicy steak… except for my feet. Granted, it’s not for everyone but I love it.

5. The game itself.

It amazes me that such a game is the most popular sport in the world. I just don’t get it.

Although marginally more entertaining to play, football is, for the most part, a sinfully boring game to watch. I mean, really. Here is a game where there is a high probability that not a single point will be scored in an hour and a god damn half! Wow, carefull you don’t piss yourself with excitement!

You might be thinking “Oh you’re just not into sports.” Not true. There are some sports I love to watch. Just not this one.

I can only think of one more sport that I find as boring and that’s cricket but that is cricket’s only fault really… that and an unfathomable scoring system. Football has the next four points (and then some) against it.

4. The players.

What a bunch of girly-boy douchebags, really! I cannot think of a single other sport where the players are such drama queens. “Oh, what’s that? The nasty man pulled on your shirt? Oh, my apologies. It’s quite understandable that you’d throw yourself down on the ground and hold your face, in apparent agony. Please, continue. You don’t look like a twat at all.”

I’m not saying bad injuries that require such a reaction don’t happen in the game. Some of the tackles are pretty harsh but seriously what are these guys, six? Strap on a pair, I know it’s a non-contact sport but do you see basketball players crying like spoiled babies in an effort to get an opposing player in trouble?

3. We, us, you.

I don’t think this one will take much explanation. I’ll let David Mitchell and Robert Webb explain.

I think that says it all.

2. Footbal manager games.

I remember when I was at college and the latest iteration of Championship Manager was released on the PlayStation. A few of the lads on my course wouldn’t shut up about it so I had a look at what it was all about. /facepalm.

You know how I said before that the game of football was sinfully boring? Well these manager games are that kind of boring on steroids! I believe my reaction was something like “I can’t see how playing on Microsoft Excel, recreationally, would be any less enjoyable than playing Championship Manager. It’s a game based on spreadsheets!”

1. (By a long, long way) Hooligans.

I don’t like using the C word. But I’ll happily use it to describe these people. The odd thing about this is that it seems almost totally unique to football. Of course there are a few bad apples in the fan-bases of other sports that will start fights at a game but it’s nothing compared to the legion of arse holes that comprise football “Firms”. These people actually organise violence with rival groups using mobile phones and the Internet. How fucked up is that!? “Excuse me, good sir. Would you and your associates like to meet us outside The Rose and Crown at 3:30 so we may punch/kick/chair/glass/knife/ashtray the living shit out of one another? Spot on! See you then.”

Sometimes it can get so bad that games have to be called off. The other week, a man watching a match with his son (Not a part of any hooligan firm) was stabbed in the chest. That was not an isolated incident.

I think my main beef with this lot, though comes from many experiences of being stuck on a train full of them. I remember going up to Leeds one weekend and I don’t think I’d have seen more Stone Island clothing at the brand’s flagship store. It was wall-to-wall bell-ends and like 5 transport police to herd them all. They aren’t young yobbos either. They’re men in their 30s and 40s with good jobs… And a dangerous testosterone imbalance apparently. Maybe roid rage. =/

There you have it. Quick and not-so-serious one for today. What do you think?

5. Not introducing yourself.

If you call someone, especially if you’re calling them for the first time or you haven’t called them in a long time, you must introduce yourself. It doesn’t have to be long and drawn out (in fact, it’s best kept short); “Hi, my name’s ****** and I’m calling from *****” will do 90% of the time.

In my work I take a lot of cold calls and the worst ones are the ones that completely skip the introduction. They’ll ask “Who is it who deals with ******?” or “Can you put me through to *******?” but they give you no idea of who they are or what their business is. Sometimes the caller won’t even say “hello”!! It’s rude and can potentially waste a lot of time. So take a couple of seconds and say who you are.

4. Being too lazy to listen to the rings.

Okay that was hard to put across in a title so I’ll give you the scenario: Someone calls me up and after 3 rings or so (usually less) I pick up. “Hello…” I say… *silence* for a good few seconds then the reply comes “Hiya…”

That pause is symptomatic of people using phones where you can dial and start the call before picking up the handset. Listen, just because it’s possible, doesn’t mean you should do it. For a kick off, because you’ve done that you haven’t heard me say “hello” and if I were to give a longer greeting such as “how can I help you?” you’d have picked up half way through.

Using phones in this way means the caller has to look at a light or screen on the base unit of the phone to tell when the  other person has picked up. So if they look away for even a short time they can leave the other person saying “hello” over and over again and potentially hanging up. So please! Have the common decency to listen to the rings and the persons greeting and reply right away.

3. Leaving silent voice mails.

This one’s a real pain in my ass! When I hear that I have 5 new voice mails and 3 of them turn out to be *click* I start to question the callers IQ. I mean it can’t be that they start to hear the “The person you called is unavailable….” speech then hang up because then, there would be no message at all. In order to leave a *click* voicemail you’d have to listen to that whole speech, then the beep, then hang up!

Seriously people, there is plenty of time before that beep for you to decide if you’re going to leave a voicemail or not. It’s not rocket science. Even if your message is just something like “Hey, it’s Dan. You’re obviously busy, it’s not important I’ll try again later.” it’s better than just a click or, heaven forbid, a sigh and then a click.

2. Being too busy to answer, but answering anyway.

Pretty simple, this one. If you’re too busy to answer you have two acceptable choices; You either answer and say “I’m really sorry I’m just in the middle of something. Can I call you back?” or you let the call go to voicemail and get back to the person when you can. What you shouldn’t do is answer then immediately put the person on hold. It’s a total waste of the caller’s time and it’s really rude.

I know some people that will hang up right away when this happens. Personally I leave it 60 seconds, plenty long enough to put down what they are doing or say to someone “Excuse me, I just have to take this.”

1. Not giving the call your full attention.

This particularly applies if you are the caller. Imagine the scenario; someone calls you for help or to ask you questions but while you’re trying to help them they are constantly talking to others at their end or even putting you on hold!

Sounds crazy but it happens a lot. It gets particularly infuriating when you’re in the middle of trying to explain something and you hear the person say something like “Pam, can you make me a cup of tea please? … two sugars… no thanks…” It’s obvious they aren’t listening and you just know you’re going to have to tell them again.

Sometimes I even get calls where, after we exchange greetings and I say “how can I help you…” they put me on hold! WTF!?

Although I said that this is more important if you are the caller, it can never hurt to apply the same rule regardless of which party you happen to be. It’s just polite. It’s good manners and everyone leaves the call feeling a lot better.

5. Give it the once-over.

Emails, blog comments and IMs that exhibit multiple typos, grammar mistakes and bad punctuation will not only make the message harder to decipher, they can make you look like a total div. So before you hit enter/send/post just read through what you’ve typed. Don’t be mega anal about it but try to make sure it makes sense.

Of course there are people with spelling and grammar problems such as dyslexia. If you’re one of them, don’t worry. If your recipient is worth a damn they’ll be able to spot that and won’t hold it against you. That said, if you know your spelling isn’t great, run your emails through a spell checker. Hell, even if it only corrects it to American English it’s better than speelong thingds totaly qwring…

Another thing to consider here is URLs. For the love of Pete, before you send someone a URL, make sure it works. Every time you send a dead link, God kills 10 kittens.

4. Don’t be a flamer.

No, that’s not a homophobic statement. I’m referring to lambasting people in your communications, particularly public ones like Tweets or blog comments. Sometimes people will say or do things online that will annoy you. Sometimes they may even attack you. The best policy though is to rise above it. If someone posts something you don’t like, just say that. Let them know why you don’t like it without getting angry or belligerent yourself.

I’ve been guilty of letting people have it online before and I’ve found that all it accomplishes is making you out to be childish numpty. If you can’t organise your disagreement or retort into a civil, adult statement, don’t send it at all. You will always come off as looking like the bigger person. I promise.

If you want to see a great big stinking example of this, go check out the comment threads on some popular YouTube videos.

3. Hey, keep it down over there.

This one has been around since the year dot yet it’s unbelievable how many people are still guilty of it. I’m talking about “shouting” – that is, the practice of putting everything in caps or following it with about 30 exclamation marks. It’s not big, it’s not clever and it can can completely obliterate the tone of a message.

Best way to avoid disaster is to imagine how your message would sound in person. An email message asking for help written in caps is tantamount to yelling your symptoms in your doctor’s ear. It’s abrasive and comes off as very rude.

Sure, caps have their place. Headlines or titles can benefit from the look of all caps but in person to person communication it remains a big no-no.

2. We’re not in Hawaii, so don’t Spam!

Apologies to those in Hawaii, but the rule about this type of Spam still applies to you. The actual definition of spam is unsolicited electronic communication such as junk email etc. What I’m talking about here though is the practice of bombarding the recipient with a barrage of messages as opposed to just one or two.

If I look away from my IM window and come back to a list of messages so long I have to scroll to see the first one, chances are I’m not going to read it. Same with emails. Imagine it like someone calling you on the phone 10 or 15 times to say little things that they could have just got out the way with one phone call. It’s annoying. In email it can quickly swamp an inbox, it can flood your twitter feed and it will just plain piss off blog owners.

This kind of ties in to point number 5 of this list. While you’re reading over your message give some thought to weather or not you’ve said everything you needed to say because multiple follow-up messages are just not cool.

1. Do not use “text speak”…EVER!

I flat out delete people from my social network friends lists who do this, and I’m not the only one. “Text speak” or “txt spk” is bloody infuriating. On 99% of online communication there is no character limit, or the limit is plenty high enough to accommodate the entire message. Therefore, most of the time any practical need for text speak is removed. However, don’t let that fool you into thinking that the presence of a strict character limit (i.e Twitter) makes it okay. It doesn’t.

If a message is too long to tweet and you need to shorten it, use a thesaurus in conjunction with your brain, don’t bastardise your tweet by making “for” = “4″ or “tonight” = “2nt”. If you still can’t fit it in, don’t tweet it.

Removing vowels from words or shortening words to one letter or number looks stupid. Moreover, it makes the author look stupid. It devalues the message and most probably annoys the hell out of the recipient. Take a look here to see what I mean.

All in all, it’s about using your common sense. Think about how you like to be communicated with and make a conscious effort to communicate that way to others.

Tata.

5. Chocolate and Cheese

Maybe I’m spoiled. Maybe I’ve lived in the UK so long I’ve gotten used to really really good food. Our proximity to Europe means we get produce of the highest quality and our standards are just higher. Either way, though, American Chocolate and American cheese just plain suck! Case in point; Hershey’s chocolate. The stuff tastes like drywall flavoured with a poorly manufactured synthetic chocolate substitute. (Mockolate?)

4. American English

What my beef is here is not how America spells some words differently. I’m not a language purist. I fully support the development of language and some of the changes to English that the United States have made do, indeed streamline the language. Classic example is the removal of the letter U from “colour” “flavour” et al. My problem however is that many applications and websites seem to ignore the fact that forms of English outside the US still exist and only offer English (United States) as a language option (Adobe, I’m looking at you!).

Okay, this isn’t an Americanism as such but it does stem from one. The creation of the American dialect has spawned a blinkered approach to languages by a number of american companies.

And don’t even get me started on “zed” and “zee” or the replacement of S with said letter in words like “organise”… Bleugh!!

3. Screw you! We’re calling it that anyway!

I’m guessing that this Americanism is deeply rooted in the nation’s history and the pride they take in declaring independence from Europe. America has this habit of taking something and giving it a name that is already used for something else. The classic example is football. What Americans call soccer is known as football over most of the world and has been for longer than the American game of Football has existed. Oddly, American football has more in common with rugby than football. Even more oddly, they chose the name even though the ball has very little contact with the players’ feet. Hey ho!

Another one of these that’s kind of irritating is the fact that, in the states, any sparkling wine is called Champagne. Only sparkling wine that is made in the Champagne region of France should be called Champagne. This isn’t nearly as annoying for me as it must be for the hardworking vinyard owners in that region who have their hard work and centuries old craft devalued like that.

2. Wait? Do you mean January 7th or July 1st?

Why!!? Why put the month first!? Well, the reason is simple. We used to do it that way in England.. y’know, before the Americans gave us the finger. But what they missed out on, in their emancipation, was when we changed the standard to the more logical day/month/year format around 1900. That’s right, stuffy old England realised the error in one of it’s traditions and changed it!

Come on America, you must see how this can cause problems. Trans-Atlantic communications are at an all time high and, because of this, so must be date miscommunication. That said; “eleven nine” doesn’t have the same ring to it…

1. Anything you can do, we can do better…

One thing that the online community seems to agree on, regardless of their nationality, is that American remakes of foreign media suck… hard! I can’t think of one American remake of a foreign movie or TV show that has been as good as the original. Ringu is better than The Ring, The Office is better than The Office and if the American version of The IT Crowd is better than the UK original I’ll eat my own face with a side of peas.

Why, why, WHY!? Well, money. It’s all about the Benjamins. But as much as I understand that these people make these things to earn money, I really wish they wouldn’t. I hear an American remake of Oldboy, one of my favourite foreign films, is in the pipeline and the web is awash with fury about a forthcoming remake to Let the Right One In.

America makes some great movies. Some REALLY great movies. Play to your strengths, America. Leave the remakes alone and concentrate on making really breathtaking original material.

So there you go. Do you have any Americanisms that really annoy you?

5. Danny Huston

I’m giving Danny Huston my number 5 slot based entirely on one performance; The role of Marlow in 30 Days of Night. His voice, the way he moves and the little subtleties that Huston brings to the role make the character shit-your-pants scary. He plays the “bad guy” in How to Lose Friends and Alienate People as well and it’s clear that he does the pompous ass bad guy just as well as the you’ll-never-sleep-again-after-watching-him bad guy. Enjoy the clip of Marlow getting his ass handed to him in the end scene of 30 Days.

4. Robert De Niro

Okay, De Niro is a bit hit and miss with his bad guys (let’s just pretend Hide and Seek never happened) but when he does it well, he does it really well. In fact, even his good guys are bad, take his timeless performance as anti-hero Travis Bickle in Taxi Driver. But his most famous bad guys are typically gangsters. No one out there does it better than De Niro. Check out this clip of him playing Al Capone in The Untouchables to see what I mean.

3. Alan Rickman

Rickman is the kind of universal bad guy actor. Where De Niro’s bad guys are strictly for grown ups, Rickman’s portrayal of Severus Snape in the Harry Potter series proved that he can be a children’s baddie just as well as a frightening, ruthless grown up one, a’la Hans Gruber in Die Hard. If you needed any more proof than that, check out his half way between role of the sheriff of Nottingham in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, the best thing about that movie.

2. Jack Nicholson

Yeah he played a pretty good Joker… But this is what I’m talking about… Just watch Jack Nicholson do his thing.

1. Christopher Walken

Is it the voice? Is it the eyes? I have no idea. All I know is that Christopher Walken plays the greatest bad guys. I think one of my favourites has got to be Vincenzo Coccotti in True Romance. Oh wait… or is it The Man With The Plan from Things to do in Denver When You’re Dead? Or is it his creepy ass angel thing from The Prophecy? I can’t choose just one. In any event, here’s one of my favourite scenes.

There you have it. What do you think?

5. A mini adventure – The Bourne Identity (2002)

What makes this chase scene so great is that you get very little warning that it’s going to happen. When Bourne turns to Marie and asks her if she looks after her car you start to tense up in anticipation and then it’s adrenaline city, population: you! The way he drives that mini through busy Paris streets avoiding police, buildings and members of the public while managing to cause his pursuers as much grief as possible really makes you love the character, like you didn’t already! Italian Job? What Italian Job?

4. All Aboard! – Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984)

While not a car chase this scene lacks none of the intensity of any of the others in my list. The hair raising action and suspense coupled with great humour makes this scene classic Indy. I’m talking, of course about the famous runaway train scene from Temple of Doom where Indy, Short Round and Willy Scott have to our-run sevral Kali cultists on a network of unstable makeshift railway. So memorable is this scene that it has been the focus of many a theme park simulator ride and has been mimicked in many other films since, though with not nearly as much success. Hold on to your potatoes!

3. Rush hour traffic’s a bitch! – The Matrix Reloaded (2003)

Without a doubt the most special effects loaded scene in my count down, the freeway scene from The Matrix Reloaded had audiences around the world sitting in slack-jawed awe at just how over-the-top a chase scene could get. It may have been OTT but boy was it intense. Guns, motorbikes, brand new Cadillacs and even two 18-wheelers colliding head on while a fight was taking place on the roof of one of them. Certainly the highest civilian body count, although only implied, of any chase scene in history. This scene made this movie as far as I’m concerned.

2. Come with me if you want to live. – T2: Judgement Day (1991)

Terminator 2 has several superb case sequences (good job seeing as it’s essentially a 2 hour long chase) but none of them are better executed than the epic storm drain pursuit where John Connor and the T-800 are trying to outrun the T-100, them on a Harley and the T-1000 in a stupidly big truck. Of course in reality, the motorbike would have left the 20 tonne monster in the dust but for the purposes of this chase they stay pretty evenly matched, that is of course until the truck is destroyed by some conveniently placed concrete. Cameron be praised!

1. Fighting Irish – Ronin (1998)

Taking it’s MacGuffin directly from Pulp Fiction, Ronin sees a former US intelligence agent, played by Robert De Niro, drafted into a team of mercenaries to track down and obtain a mysterious case with unknown contents. Amidst a clusterfuck of double crosses and hidden agendas De Niro and another merc, played by Jean Reno find themselves in one of the most realistic car chases ever filmed. In heavy traffic on crowded french streets, this chase was filmed at full speed and makes a real effort to show the viewer just how much skill it takes to drive like that. In fact… I’m not going to talk about it any more. Take a look for yourselves:

So, there you go. As always I’d love to hear your suggestions.

5. Unruhe (Season 4, 1996)

What makes this episode great is that it has so much to offer both casual viewers and long time fans. The story involves a kidnapper/killer who has the uncontrollable ability to affect undeveloped photographic film with, sometimes cryptic images of the crimes he is about to commit. These images eventually lead Mulder to deduce the killer’s identity but not before he abducts Scully, intent on performing the same macabre surgery on her that he has on his past victims.

The killer is a man named Gerry Schnauz, played by Pruitt Taylor Vince and is possibly one of the creepiest villains to ever appear in the series (It’s the eyes, they’re so messed up!). But it’s the back story and development of the character and his mental illness that really makes this episode. You find yourself so caught up with this character that the climax remains one of the most intense and suspenseful endings in all of The X Files.

Geek Trivia: You find out, in this episode that Scully is fairly fluent in German.

4. Bad Blood (Season 5, 1998)

Mulder and Scully find them selves embroiled in a possible multi-million dollar lawsuit against the FBI when Mulder drives a steak through the heart of a man he believed to be a vampire. The episode mostly revolves around the agents’ two slightly differing accounts of the events leading up to the steaking and provides some of the best comedic content of the whole series.

Again, this episode is fantastic because it appeals to long-time fans as well as casual viewers. You really get a great idea of how each agent is perceived by the other through the exaggerated character traits depicted in each account.

The episode resolves itself when the victim, following the steak being removed, gets back up and attempts to chew on the neck of the mortician (His fangs were fakes and were removed before hand.) The pair travel back to the town to discover that there are not one, but many vampires, all of whom, following being discovered, pack up their trailers and leave. The unusual structure and quirky plot make this episode one you want to watch over and over.

Geek Trivia: The town sheriff is played by Luke Wilson. His appearance and intellect differ greatly depending on which agent is telling the story.

3. Humbug (Season 2, 1995)

If Bad Blood proved to be one of the funniest episodes, Humbug is surely one of the weirdest! The agents investigate the mysterious death of a former circus side-show performer in a community comprising entirely of former circus and freak-show performers. No part of the agents’ investigation goes by the book as more and more of the townspeople begin to raise suspicion.

As strange and grotesque as this one’s plot is, it remains a very funny and well executed episode. As the pair investigate, Mulder becomes more and more positive that the death(s) are the work of a mythical creature known as the Fiji Mermaid, but tracking down the creature is far from easy.

The creature is eventually revealed as the conjoined twin of one of the townspeople that has somehow managed to be able to detach itself from it’s brother and go out looking for fresh blood. The creature disappears and, although it’s never confirmed, it is suggested that he may have been eaten by one of the other former freaks. A truly bizarre classic!

Geek Trivia: In once scene Scully is seen to fake eating a cricket offered to her by one of the freaks. In reality, Gillian Anderson actually did eat the insect.

2. Squeeze/Tooms (Season 1, 1993-94)

I’m counting these two episodes as one due to the fact that they feature the same villain, Eugene Victor Tooms, and both appear in the same season. These episodes remain favourites for most of the X Files fans I know and it’s not hard to see why. The villain is creepy, disgusting and, above all else, scary as fuck!

The story revolves around killer who’s MO is to brutally remove his victims’ livers (to apparently eat) with his bare hands while leaving no trace or clue of how he managed to gain access to the victim. It is soon revealed that Tooms has the ability to deform and elongate parts of his body to fit through the tightest of gaps. Imagine the love-child of Hannibal lecter and Reed Richards from the Fantastic Four. Anyway, that’s not the weirdest thing about him. It is revealed that he needs the livers in order to assist him in his 30 year hibernation… we find out that Tooms is actually about 100 years old despite only looking 30 and may be responsible for murders going back to the 1900’s.

What was great about the sequel episode, Tooms, was that it didn’t feel forced. Tooms was released after no one in the appeals court would believe Mulder’s account of Tooms’ abilities and is sent to live with a sort of rehab foster family. Of course the killings start again and Mulder is right on the case, killing Tooms in the workings of an escalator just before he can eat the last liver he needs before the 30 year hibernation… Mmmmm stomach bile.

Geek Trivia: Eugene Tooms is one of the only Monsters Of The Week to be mentioned in any other subsequent episodes.

1. Dreamland/Dreamland II (Series 6, 1998)

The two-part episode, Dreamland set the tone for the remaining light-hearted episodes in the series with it’s high production value and dry humour and it remains, since the first time I watched it back in 1998, my favourite ever episode.

The plot involves Mulder and Scully taking an unofficial trip out to Rachel, Nevada (home of Area51, known as Dreamland) to meet a source who has offered to come forward with information about what goes on in the secret air base. Who they meet instead is a group of soldiers accompanied by shadowy men in black who promptly tell the Agents to turn around and not come back. It’s at this point a UFO, apparently in some trouble flies overhead and a strange energy wave follows in it’s wake. After witnessing this Scully asks Mulder to get back in the car and head back… except Mulder isn’t Mulder. Somehow his personality has switched with one of the men in black, an agent named Morris Fletcher played by Michael McKean.

At first this episode is a bit of a head-fuck until you realise who is who. By this time it becomes clear that the man in black who is now in Mulder’s body wants to keep things just that way in an effort to escape his mundane life and strained marriage. Mulder, however now thrown into this same mundane life wants nothing but his own life back. Check out this clip:

Eventually Mulder manages to get in touch with Scully and convince her to go along with his story with the help of some bizarre behaviour on the imposter’s part and some technical geekery from an amazed Lone Gunmen. And with a great deal of sneaking around and trickery, the exact conditions of the original event are re-created just in time for the energy wave to snap back, putting everything right, but erasing every one’s memory of the last few days. Dreamland is a truly great episode with plenty of Easter eggs for long-time fans.

Geek Trivia: Morris Fletcher appears in two other episodes after this but no one has any recollection of the events in Dreamland.

So there you go. As always, I want to hear your favourites, or if you were even an X Files fan. ‘Til next time.